Reconciled to Right Relationship

Written By Jonathan Krogh

Dear Reluctant Reconcilers: 

“Apologize for calling your sister a jerk!” my mother would insist. Posturing sincerity, I would look at her and say, “I’m sorry you’re a jerk.” It never ceased to amuse...at least me. 

While my mother was attempting to instill a sense of responsibility and compassion, her desire was deeper than apology and forgiveness; she was hoping for reconciliation, a goal to re-conciliare, the Latin for ‘make friendly again.’ Mom wanted us to be friends again. 

From an early age, forgiveness and reconciliation are blurred into the same act. This is partially fed by having been taught to “kiss and make up” as expression of full forgiveness; but that’s reconciliation, not forgiveness. As adults, confusing them may have dangerous consequences. One may grow a capacity to forgive one’s abuse—that is, no longer obsessing over their hurt or plotting their demise. But once we are released through our own forgiveness, reconciliation is quite another matter. 

For this reason, Jesus commanded that we forgive (Matthew 18.21-22), but the Apostle Paul identified reconciliation as a ministry and message, not a mandate (2 Corinthians 5.18-20). For us to reconcile, there must be mutual confession. Anxiety over reconciliation is a healthy response to the implicit danger of reconciling with those who remain unrepentant or hostile—you cannot reconcile with a virus. The purpose of the prayer of confession in worship is not to win God’s forgiveness—that was already attained on the cross. The purpose of the prayer of confession is for us to be reconciled to God by expressing a relationship in which we resolve to stop engaging in actions and attitudes that estrange us from God’s loving acceptance. Confession is the act of dropping our hostility; the remainder of the worship liturgy (the work of the people) is enacting our reconciliation, restoring communion with God. This is the reason why we celebrate the Sacrament of Communion as the last act of worship.

Paul writes, “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. (verse 20)” At its core, reconciliation between people is possible only after a spiritual move on the part of those estranged. Not to be weird here, but I think evil needs to be exorcized as a prerequisite for reconciliation. Paul says in Ephesians 4.27, “Do not give the devil a foothold,” but Paul’s endgame is not reconciliation, it is only forgiveness (Ephesians 4.32). Reconciliation rests on forgiveness, but more importantly, it requires an authentic spiritual transformation of all parties involved. In this way, reconciliation is not giving the relationship a ‘second chance’, but a new foundation. God forbid a reconciled relationship be a restored relationship; for it to be enduring, it must become something completely new. True reconciliation is rare. Too often our neediness, our loneliness, our lack of spiritual self-sufficiency short-circuits our better judgment, and we find ourselves returning again to relationships that lead to soul-sucking despair.  

In the true forgiveness that distances and empowers our self-differentiation, we become agents of real change, capable of hearing and recognizing honest confession when and if it happens. If it never happens, we may be saddened by what could have been, but joyfully resilient to grasp what God has prepared for the next chapters of our life. Unafraid, we can distinguish between those who are merely pandering to re-entrap us and those who are seeking true communion. Even our understanding of what relationships are important to us is transformed. 

Knowing now who the jerk was, I remain,

With Love,
Jonathan Krogh
Your Pastor

Jonathan Krogh
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